Should be trying to sleep but I can't.  I left the bedroom crying.  I am afraid.  Afraid that Megan's not going to be here much longer and afraid to be without her.  I picture her in my mind and can't imagine that someday I won't be able to touch her.  It is selfish for me to be worry about that but i dont know how not to.  My chest feels like it hurts so bad just thinking about it.  I don't know why I have had this terrible feeling lately but I have cried every day lately.  In the shower, when I have a little quiet time it just comes out.  I need to find peace with these feelings because I have no say in how things will go.  It is in God's hands...and somehow I think Megan's too.  I just love her so much.  I love to see her smile at me and to kiss her little cheeks and when she talks to me with her own little language of sounds that are so playful.  I can feel how much she loves me - she doesnt have to know how to talk to convey it.  I have to find someone to talk to that knows what to tell me so I can stay strong and come through this for Pat, James and Ryan.  And me.  I just can't see MY life or my heart being repairable...it seems impossible.