Sunday, October 9, 2011
Should be trying to sleep but I can't. I left the bedroom crying. I am afraid. Afraid that Megan's not going to be here much longer and afraid to be without her. I picture her in my mind and can't imagine that someday I won't be able to touch her. It is selfish for me to be worry about that but i dont know how not to. My chest feels like it hurts so bad just thinking about it. I don't know why I have had this terrible feeling lately but I have cried every day lately. In the shower, when I have a little quiet time it just comes out. I need to find peace with these feelings because I have no say in how things will go. It is in God's hands...and somehow I think Megan's too. I just love her so much. I love to see her smile at me and to kiss her little cheeks and when she talks to me with her own little language of sounds that are so playful. I can feel how much she loves me - she doesnt have to know how to talk to convey it. I have to find someone to talk to that knows what to tell me so I can stay strong and come through this for Pat, James and Ryan. And me. I just can't see MY life or my heart being repairable...it seems impossible.