New twist

Okay - so here we go already.  It is not even 8 am and I have more nursing crap already.  Agency thinks they have a nurse that will fit and wants to do M,T,W, and Th.  Going to meet her Wednesday for the first time and see.  So I think that this might smooth out pretty quickly and the night nurse I have that has been doing Friday, Saturday and Sunday decides that she is going to ask for MTW and is thinking that she should get it and the new nurse should take her nights.  Problem with that is the new nurse could work the nights that were open - not the nights the other nurse has.  My stomach is in knots.
So far this week I have cancelled Megan's cardiologist appointment and James appointment for a filling and it is only two days into this week.  I guess everyone has to wait until I am steadily getting sleep so I can make it to the appointments.  They are going to stack quickly.  Megan's pulmonology appointment is on hold too now..............

The worst part is my Mom is leaving on Sunday for New York to help my brother out with my nephew.  I do not know how long she will be gone.....she helps me a lot and is available if there is a 30 minute window where I can crash like I did yesterday afternoon in between Ryan's podiatrist appointment, the orthodontist and his homework.  30 minutes helps!!!!  Not having to arrange her to be here makes little things like that possible.

I am so frustrated and upset.  I am so sick of everything being like this.

I wish I could tell these nurses to go ***************.   I hate having to depend on strangers.  It sucks.  Especially because I am such an independent person.  It absolutely kills me to not be able to take care of things for myself and my family the way I know I could and feel that I should.  

I feel angry - but at who?  Myself - Pat(????-why) -  God???? 
Yeah - all of the above. 
I just want some normalcy and peace and not to be on the stresscoaster.   I am so tired and feel defeated today.  Sobbing at 8am over things out of my control. 

Megan is lying here next to me drifting in and out of sleep.  I feel guilty for all that I just wrote when I look at her.   Not her fault and it hurts my heart that I feel so defeated as a result of her disease.  But not because of her.  Might not make sense but I know what I mean.

Tears are put away - going to get on with the day.  Start meds, nebs - work - I can't contain my excitement.