Found this journal I used to write in with these notes:
Remembering how hopeful I was when I took Megan to Wisconsin. She seemed so normal compared to what she is now - even though she wasn't.
Looking at another girl who was I believe 7 at the time - and thinking how lucky we were that Megan was not as disabled as her. It old Pat theose exact words. I thought how skinny her legs and arms were and how pale her complexion seemed with a kind of dazed look in her eyes. I didn't realize that it was only a matter of time and would be looking at Megan who would appear so much like this little girl eventually.
Knowing it is a matter of time until she is taken home. Bittersweet to know that she will be able to run and play and feel no pain - no more suffering. I will not be with her and my very being will feel destroyed by the loss. The selfishness is human nature but how to overcome that is the real question. If I let go like that psychic eluded to - Megan has not crossed because of my pull on her spirituality.
Next entry:
There is never enough time in the day. Always feel like a pressure cooker about to erupt. I got angry at myself for feeling like this because I know I can't control time on the nature of my life. I still can't help feeling like I am being held underwater. The anxiety is what is going to destroy me if I don't handle it. And everyone I love too. But why is all of this my problem? Really - it is an unrealistic expcectation and inhuman amount of stress for one person to feel responsible for every one. And the guuilt I have thinking if I fail. I want to shut the world away sometimes. Even to get some personal solitude is not feasible. All these people in and out of my house. Asking, wanting, needing. God forbid I am not on my A game for all of these people here to help "us". It is comical when you think about it but utterly overwhelming to me. I am tired of all of the different personalities - nurses, etc. and having to adapt to THEM.
Wow - thats a lot of angst.
